Sex stories...it's not what you think

I don't know why, but my hands are shaking. I feel very frustrated for no reason. Sure, before I left for lunch everyone and everything was pissing me off, but now I'm just sitting here, chatting w/ Emily, eating my sandwich....in theory, relaxing. But I can't calm down. I need to laugh.
Oh wait, here's something. My new obsession, the Weekly World News website. I love it! I decided to check out their section accurately labeled "Sex" and found these amazing stories.
1) The Boob-onic Plague: "A new disease that whittles large breasts down into teensy nubs not much bigger than mosquito bites!" Now all you have is your personality...oh, wait.
2) Improve your sex life- the Amish way: "Their approach to sex is very old-fashioned -- just standard missionary position, with no fancy bells and whistles." No bells? No whistles? How will they know when it's time to start?
3) Miracle shirt turns losers into babe magnets: "Girls would laugh at my skinny body and my eyeglasses. Then I found this incredible shirt, and it's like Saturday Night Fever every night." Maybe if you stopped using the term "Saturday Night Fever" they wouldn't laugh at you....I'm just saying.
4) Found! Saddam's Love Diaries: "He also talks a little about Robert, the chimp that he and Saddam took under their wings and have been treating like a son since they professed their love for one another in a gay wedding last fall." I didn't receive my invitation. I'm not going to lie, I'm a little hurt.
5) Horny Pelican mistakes man with big nose for his female: "It was awful -- a nightmare . . . I wished I was dead...All I wanted to do was throw some stale bread to the catfish swimming around in Tampa Bay" Next time, maybe you shouldn't dress like such a whore...I mean, really, you were asking for it.
Reagan